I don’t know why this one is taking me ages to write. Not that I have been lacking in deep thoughts or funny anecdotes or just middle-of-the-road, relatable kind of stories. On the contrary, there had been too much of it, really. These thoughts have been following me around, the way my cat did, in all of the three days she had stayed with me. See, I would be looking out my veranda or on my way to treatment, cooking up a meal or watching some inane Netflix show, but my mind had been busy, gathering up little notes, testing out words and phrases, discarding, editing, writing this piece in my head.
After weeks of pondering on the whole point of this post, I’ve taken the critical last step so that I can start with its actual writing: I’ve rearranged my place, flipped my furniture and created corners of cozy spaces which would be good areas for me to get to it. And today, I looked around my latest handiwork and so thereafter made a nice cuppa Joe, wore my comfy jammies, and turned the A/C full blast. Yep, I’m all set.
Let’s see, this piece was supposedly about the many changes that the pandemic has created, and I guess you now probably can tell, I cannot really tell where to begin. I’m not sure how to compare the now vs six months ago, and is it reasonable to even do so? Our routines have changed, priorities have changed, our everyday fancy, our challenges, our perception of the world, and maybe to some degree, even the way we now dream.
But that’s taking it too far off. I’d rather we start simple. Just take today, for instance. On a typical Sunday pre-virus, my first order of business would likely be checking in with friends and fam, to see if they had time to hang and, like any Filipino bunch, we’d probably end up in one of our many malls, to eat, coffee, window-shop, and if there’d be some more persuading, yes, a night cap. How I miss these impromptu I-don’t-have-a-real-reason-to-see-you-but-Imma-see-you-anyway occasions. I really, really do. I miss company, just having somebody to be within three feet of me, to make small talk with. But thanks to COVID, I am instead, on this lovely Sunday night, thinking about my very existence, this distance that’s been imposed on us, and the sad business of living through it. Weekends used to be my respite, a prize for working my ass all week. But the longer I am forced to stay home, the lonelier each Sunday seems to get.
It doesn’t help that the rainy season has descended on us too. I’d be scrunched up at my machine on some nights, knee deep at work, only to be jolted by thunder, which would leave me a little shaken but also, wondering…if I were in the office at that very hour, I’d be groaning at how difficult it would be to book a ride home. Sans pandemic, I’d probably be reveling to have been tucked indoors WFH, and not brave the rains, on account that I don’t like getting my feet wet, BUT 18, 19 weeks into our quarantines, and there had been many a night when I wished I had been at work—yes—even on those nights when it’s soaking outside.
One thing I’ve realized (and for it I also do deeply apologize) is that I’ve taken to a lot of socializing via social media lately. I guess most of us have? I have been guilty of flooding friends and fam with boring stories of my day in Viber and IG: the lousy food I cooked, some selfies when I thought I looked cute (or felt crazier than usual), the same 36 cityscape views from my veranda, the mundane things I tinker around in my home. I guess, it’s my way of closing the gap between the spaces between us, to keep building a connection, to feel like I’m still human. And so really, all I look forward to all week are the Friday night Zoom calls with the brats, those weekend Messenger calls with the girls, and the occasional virtual drinking sessions with our team from work. That’s it. That’s what I’ve become.
So March and April rolled into June and July, and in all that time it feels like life stood at a standstill. Like we still don’t know where we’re at, where we’re heading. I think at first we were scared/confused/anxious, but resilient beings we are, we tried to settle in and sorta find our rhythm. And despite the disappearance of the little things we looked forward to—Friday nightcaps, leisurely weekend coffee dates, shopping!—here I am, here we all are, trying to find some sense of this new world order.
I can deal with a lot of things: doing everything at home by myself, staying at home, staying put, being away from friends and fam, working by my lonesome, virtual hugs, virtual calls. I can deal with learning new life lessons: a challenging dish, keeping plants alive, fixing broken shit around my home, new skills, new thrills. I can deal with a lot of things, but there’s one thing I can’t deal with yet…
To be continued, so stay tuned
***
Pictured: My lovely fuck off keychain
Finally Dee 