Friends whom I haven’t seen for a while tell me there’s something different about me — is it your hair, did you get a tan, you’re aglow, whatever it is just keep doing it, they say — and I say thank you, shrug my shoulders, and silently agree. I can’t say there’s inner peace just yet but I’m trying to find it. Yes, within me. It’s been a slow burn, this process of letting go, to loosen my grip on my attachments to the past (and the future!) but perhaps I am on my way.
I’ve been practicing yoga for months now, and not just the physical practice, but the meditative, spiritual one. Two weeks ago, I signed up for another retreat and again went solo up in the boondocks, in my search for contentment, for mindfulness, for appreciation in the present moment. The trip, as with any travel, gave me a broader perspective on the practice, piqued my interest in further reading up on yoga and meditation, and allowed me to dig deeper inside, to a place where hopefully I am able to witness my own transformation.
To step out of my comfort zone is a very conscious effort, one that’s not without its challenges, but that’s the whole point of the exercise. The trip in itself was absolutely tiring but highly rewarding. I’ve met a whole new set of people, and together we did breathwork, qigong, reiki, yoga. We found common ground and have had many interesting discussions on the topic. We exchanged numbers, with a promise to meet up even when we get back to our usual. And while I have no grand illusions of being changed overnight from this, it’s quite intriguing that immediately after, my friends seem to see me in a sort of different light.
For sure, there’s still a lot which needs healing. For instance, today which is the 12th of May, I find myself not knowing how to deal with the date. Do I forget it when a year later I still feel a lump in my throat, a clutch on my chest, a flutter in my tummy? It’s painful to still have the memory, even though everything about it has been discarded, thrown away. But perhaps I need to remember it today, of all days, so that I can hold it one last time before I release it, and allow myself to be free of its emotional ties.
Just now, I hear myself letting out a huge sigh, which is so appropriate. In a wee bit, I would bring out my mat, and meditate. And when I do, I would like to see myself letting go of this gnarly ball, to release it out into the blue yonder. My face will light up as I watch it float away.
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Pictured: Walking up Quezon Hill for morning practice
Finally Dee 