We’ve had our share of inconveniences, when life nudges one out of reverie because, well, life. In my case, it had been an Uber ride cancelling on me on a particular day that I am running late for a meeting. It may well be the incessant notification alerts from everything social media. It’s forgetting my water bottle during treatment and I’m forced to get disposables. It’s the rain that streaks from the sky on the day I felt purrty enough to wear open-toed heels. Little things that shouldn’t matter really but when they do, it’s hard not to get annoyed.
But inconveniences become trivialities when the matter on hand is a question of life, or death. A long time ago, I’ve had a near-death experience and it’s probably one of the most liberating sensations I’ve had. Deep in fever and going in and out consciousness, I thought I was lying on the greenest of meadows underneath a mighty tree; I saw the dreamiest of skies peaking through, bright, streaked with sun, and as I was looking up, I realized the tree wanted to slip away with me, its leaves started shedding away, drifting all around me, enveloping me, telling me that it was alright. I didn’t want to be pulled away from that vision, words cannot describe it, and since then, I’ve never really felt fear in dying.
When I was diagnosed with stage 4 CKD ten years ago, it wasn’t a question of life or death. It was more about me being angry, asking my whys. There I was just about to hit the heights of a decade-long work in corporate, and then, boom!, life laid out this huge challenge for me to overcome. A roller coaster of emotions, but luckily for me then, I had a great support system and they’ve held me through my tears, even though I’ve felt that it was a battle that I alone must face. It wasn’t a question of living and dying, but as I recovered from that blow, in my mind I knew, because I am more debilitated than the average guy, I had to prepare myself, and my tribe, should inevitable death steals me sooner than later.
Only the young are afraid to die, because they feel that there’s still a lot more going on for them. Ask the elderly however and maybe there’s a level of comfort to how they express their own deaths. Perhaps that’s where I am in the age spectrum? Because I had been ready to go, anytime. I think friends have heard me say this in an occasion or two: I am not afraid of dying. Yes, even with the hypothetical there’s still so much for me to accomplish, to witness, experience; if it were my time, I was ready. I am ready.
But maybe my world isn’t yet ready for me to go. She’s prolly telling me, it will be a tad inconvenient right now, Dee. And while she did let me rest for a while, she tore through my fog, did a little haha dance to annoy me, nudged me like the inconvenience that she is. It’s been a tough week dealing with her, shitty world she is, but I waved a cursory white flag at her and booked a solo flight out, to explore her again perhaps, but likely more just to appease her.
So yeah, Imma be right with you shortly.
***
Pictured: University Avenue in UP Diliman
Finally Dee 