Onto the first month of the year and as with any thing that kicks off, the last two weeks have been marked by to-dos, purchasing new notebooks for jotting down thoughts and whatnots, peeking at calendars to make sure that schedules for the rest of the year coincide with friends being in town, for planning, negotiating, taking everything in and hoping it will all dovetail into the lovely mess which is our lives.
It’s the perfect excuse to think back and then look forward—what do I want to tick off my bucket list this year, where do I want to take my oh-so-tired feet, whose hugs would I want to drink it, which company do I keep and which ones can I afford to lose, should I close in or do I run as far as I can? These thoughts plague me as I wash my hair and pick out clothes to wear and run around the mall ticking off of my errand list, as I eternally wait for unmet appointed hours, as I catch forty winks at my D sessions, as I fall in line at the doctor’s. Sometimes, it gets too tiring to think, don’t you think? If only I have a switch to turn it off, or maybe just to turn it down a notch because by golly it can get too much.
I would have to say this point in my life isn’t my sunniest because haha I’ve never been a morning person anyway: I enjoy watching the hour change from 11:59pm to the next minute, I love the silence of evenings as they subtly change to mornings, training my ears to listen on motorcars breaking up the stillness, which is all I could hear from my room anyway. Yes, now isn’t my sunniest but I would have to say my now is where I am at…peace. Well maybe ‘peace’ in itself just isn’t the right word; the cynic in me disagrees. Maybe now I’ve become…a bitch at peace.
Let me put it this way, I’ve always said that I was a bitch and not a jerk, truly that I am. You see, a jerk will piss off the bitch in you, just because. A jerk needs no effin’ reason at all. I’ve seen jerks and believe you me, it leaves such a bad taste in the mouth all I want to do is walk away. A bitch, on the other hand, is a bitch because she cares, and despite her off-putting way, she will argue her values and beliefs because at the end of it all, she gives a fuck. Yes, I argue but fuck you it’s because I give a fuck. But then if the bitch just gets tired of it all, she steps into her IDGAFF mode and there, is a bitch, at peace. Which is where I am now.
What does it mean? It means that while I still give a shit I don’t really wanna argue anymore because I recognize I have less energy than the average person and I’d rather expend it on something more meaningful and creative and close to my heart. I’d rather plug into my music—my eternal source of inspiration—and drown in the beats and rhymes of my muses than listen to people’s cheap fibs and musings. I’d rather sleep and paint and write and bore myself by my lonesome because with these, I’ve something to show for. Yes, perhaps it’s best to walk away.
Two weeks into the year, fifty to go—no telling which way it’ll turn. It started off a tad wobbly but heck I’ve always wanted life to be a little odd, to be offbeat, to puzzle, to surprise. And this is how 2016 knocked the wind out of me…by teaching me to take delight in a li’l bit of bitch-mode self love, to find beauty in regression, to connect a few more dots by being present in my solitude.
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Pictured: My feet finding its way to Club Punta Fuego
Finally Dee 