It’s a night that calls for random writing. Thoughts haphazardly punched thru my qwerty keyboard—unsure where they’ll end—but always bright with hope that it would help shake off this funk.
And not a great way to start my working week, I s’pose. I’ve termed it the ‘start’ because it’s been so many weeks, months, that I consider Mondays an extension of my weekends. Working independently, it’s the day I earmark as my week’s highlight. The day I let go of all my so-called roles in life: thinktanker, FB denizen, doodler, ekcetera, so that I can shimmy my way into a halo of just-for-the-moment-giddiness, to the source of my natural high, hoping it’ll last me ‘til the next one.
Sometimes it does but there’d be these times when it won’t. But it isn’t too gadawful, this funk; I’ve been through worse. I do hope I am just giving way to dear old Susan’s predictions for the month: that I’ll be a quiet phase of solitude and reflection, when the need to alone with my thoughts, can be valuable for the now, and the next few months to come.
If there’s one thing’s I know for sure, it is this: I. Still. Need. To. Know. Where. I’m. Headed. Yeah, I think that’s the source of all of these. This light feeling in the head. This penchant for staring into space. This weakness for tears. And the subsequent predilection to just doze off. This bitter taste in my mouth. This fluttering in my chest. This sick feeling in my stomach. This need to keep my hands busy. To draw. To paint. To write. To talk. To be with friends. To be alone yet know I am not by myself. To write down my to-do list, day in, day out, only to tick off a handful. To finish so little so that there isn’t really an accomplishment to speak of. To wait and wait and wait. To stay. To walk away. Where you off to, Dee?
I thought I knew, but stupid funk snuck in out of nowhere. Or maybe it’s been hovering all along, and silly papoose I am, I let it in, pulled off its socks, offered it a cool drink, and said, come spend the day with me.
Gah, good job, Dee.
***
Pictured: N3 parking lot
Finally Dee 