My yearly horoscope—firm believer that I am—has stated it so succinctly: ‘Get ready to dig deeply in 2013, Leo. You’re going into a phase of complete and total metamorphosis…If you have ever doubted your strength, after 2013 you’ll never question your resourcefulness again.’ The promise was ripe in its sweetness, exciting in prospect; I have been ever-so-ready to tunnel my way through years and years of depressing debris. The year before this sorta braced me for what was coming anyway. 2013 was, is, going to be an unforgettable year.
But changes don’t come easy. It just don’t. I’m still burrowing my way out, and oh how my shoulders are getting tired, and my head’s still getting lost, and my sanity’s still threatening to show its horrid side. So yes, I’m still fine-tuning, still coping, still being this-way-and-that, till I get to learn.
Learn. Realization can be such a tricky state to be in, but I love that it really does give me an aha-moment: where the clouds seem to clear to see my passing, when a coincidental song reaches my once-deaf ears and it sounds bee-you-tea-full, and then tadah, it’s there, plain to see as if I were the first to discover it: life’s hard lessons, piled on a special plate, marked with heirloom initials that spell mine, laden with just-for-me rations that may be a little difficult to swallow, for now. I tried. And oh I will, I will fork them in by the mouthfuls, and later I will be ready to say, ‘yes, that’s quite delicious.’ Yeah, I’m getting the hang of it.
Lesson #1. Eternal answer-seeker that I am, I really must absolutely have the key to my whys. Everyday whys, after-drinking-binge whys, funny whys, sad whys, all kindsa whys. Going at 20+ years, it sorta becomes tiring, to a certain degree. It’s all right if the solution’s on Google, but if it ain’t, then there’s my conundrum. So…I am teaching myself that sometimes it’s ok to: Accept, Let Go. Accept that I will never ever find the answers to some of my whys. Never. Perhaps in my deathbed, but not now, nor next week. I am coming to terms with that. Letting go also means accepting that I am: 1) Forgetful: I will never know where I’ve misplaced this lace hoodie I so love, or what I may have said last week could be different from what I’m saying now, and therefore, it’s ok to be told that I’ve forgotten, I will not protest, I will just let it go; 2) Human: I made mistakes, 10 million of them over the last xx decades and, well, nothing, it’s part of who I am, I’m still trying to accept that; 3) Worrier: but I shouldn’t be anymore, because it makes me feel sad, and 2013 cannot be marked as sad, it is hop-pea, so shoo, goodbye, I am trying to accept that I need to let the worrisome me go.
Lesson #2. Virtues and values may seem harder to find these days; there is no such store for us to buy optimism, or confidence, or thoughtfulness, and all else that makes us warm and fuzzy inside. Being the melancholic that I am—proven by those HR-related tests they make you take—I always chose ‘Planner’ over ‘Promoter’ or ‘Positive.’ Here’s the most elusive ‘P’ for me: Be Patient. But I wanna learn. So I paint, because you see, I see that the coats of white paint to prepare the painting takes time to dry, and therefore: patience. I download apps on my phone to keep meself busy while waiting for my dearest friends to show up during our coffee dates. I know too that I can’t do all levels of my One Touch Drawing Game in one sitting; it requires thinking and figuring out how to solve the puzzle. All these need time. Patience requires time, and time, I got lots, and therefore the lesson of patience may be a li’l easier to get by.
Lesson #3. Speaking of my tribe and my public, and of values and virtues, it is also becoming a learning process for me to discover that ‘thing’ between relationships: Create Balance. One thing I learned: when you find a person that balances you out, e.g. simplifies the complex-you, then you have to Lesson #1 it: accept the simplicity, let go of the complexity. In friendships, perhaps it isn’t a hard lesson at all. My friend B and I, have perfected the balance dance: as I’ve written before, she’s up while am feeling low, and vice versa. I love that I can dispute a bestie’s opinion—one she would stand for come hell or high water—and yet at the end of the day, our opposing beliefs do not alter the friendship, and even add depth and breadth and all the wonderful colors between. Yes, I am learning, finding the balance between new friendships, with old relationships to guide me by.
Lesson #4. Unlearning what I’ve been used to, all the things that I’ve learned, is harder than learning new things. It is. Unconsciously, you and I have created rule books on how we wanted or envisioned to live our lives. And once these laws, directives, and values get challenged—ay!—we scratch our heads in confusion and ask should I go up or down, left or right, within or outside the line? The last thing I wanna learn: Dare Change. Change the rules, question life, take a leap, grab the chance, go for change. I was ready for change at the beginning of the year, with my mantra: 1) See half-glassful – because I always saw things in a half-empty kinda way; 2) Keep it together – ‘coz I had always thought Panic was my best friend; she was, but Patience now is; 3) Take it one day at a time – the planner in me always ruled but I am so learning to not let my life be scheduled, firmed up, aligned. I am learning to get by, by just simply getting by. It is a tad more fun, I realize.
So there, my big four for the year; this piece sorta confirms what the Leo prediction had said: ‘The year will require considerable self-analysis and probing into your past patterns, but all the work will be more than worth it.’ Lezgo, 2013, let’s make you worth my while.
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Pictured: My Japanese Daruma dolls
Finally Dee 