I write—as I try to begin making sense of days, weeks, and months devoid of chronicling life’s little stories. My journal has been untouched for weeks. And even when I do begin writing thoughts down, pen on hand, my head spins as I confuse one occurrence over the other.
Crazy times, that’s what 2010 has been all about. Work-wise, it’s all about filling up my black work notebook with checklists and to-dos, marking days with grocery lists and prescription fillings and tax forms, getting to the next project milestone while trying to get some precious sleep squeezed in, watching our favorite TV shows as reruns because I missed the first telecast, or worse, having to buy a copy on DVD coz I wasn’t able to catch it at all.
The earlier part of the year—wherever did that time go? I’m not sure if there would be what I can call a ‘highlight’ to those times. Would it be this supposedly six-week project that instead dragged on to over six-months—a never-ending cycle of follow-ups and reviewing where we left off and gearing up only to have it shelved again—was that it? Will it be those times we fell in line for services from another government agency, hoping whatever we came in for—an ID card, a permit, a certificate—would, by some stroke of luck, be released that very day? Or would that be our much-awaited but never-happened family vacation, the one that got bumped off because we weren’t able to save for it?
If I shed a tear for each time I’ve been sad or disappointed this year, the well would’ve been dried up by now. But thank goodness I’m the type who can seesaw between hope and despair, coz yeah, to keep myself sane, I hafta keep company this side of me that’s crazy. And I do have my people—friends who talk me into focusing on that darned silver lining, whatever that means. One call, one SMS, one IM message, and it’s all good.
Ok, fine, it hasn’t been all that bad. By way of PGDA, I’ve met a lot of creative folks, inspiring people who can motivate the hell out of anyone. We’ve new playthings, cheap thrills really, which help beat the blues, loving all those weekends when I was able to take them out, us family fiddling with them, never mind if all we create is, well, what others would consider junk. Oh, and yes, my heart burst with pride when my sister finished med school, and was filled with love for this tiny little creature who’s my niece. I have savored them celebratory beers, licked clean all those complimentary platters, burped with delight from those pat-myself-on-the-back rewards.
One memory and onto the next. Them good mixed with the bad. This week in particular isn’t so good, one that’s tear-jerking for our family. We’re headed to a crossroads, and we are bracing ourselves to what lies ahead. And so the reason for this piece, this litany, as a way to figure out the reasons for our own realities, a required process so that we can face our deepest fears.
There’s really no way to know how the fates will unfold but I know for a fact that when it comes, it will be another poignant episode that will be worth another tear from my not-so-dried up well. There will be tears. A tear for a happy memory, and another for a bad one. I suppose some memories are meant to be mislaid because it is more touching when you chance upon it the second time ‘round.
I write—as I try to begin making sense of all these things that are happening, will be happening after this day. I will let my head spin, allow my eyes to blur, but deep inside, I will sigh because no matter how crazy or sad it gets, someday, will be a day when all these will be worth remembering.
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Pictured: Trust game card
Finally Dee 