It’s the new year and as the occasion calls for musings and such, I’ve thought about the things I’ve lost of late. As with any other average person, I do not delight in losing anything.
Oh, I’ve misplaced the most trivial of things—a receipt essential to bookkeeping for our biz, a purple jacket I absolutely adored, a tiny hair clip with six pink Swarovskis that I’ve always thought was the prettiest little thing. I can never get over losing the littlest items—it’s like losing a tiny piece of me. So you can imagine my happiness when that black little clip just happened to be in one of my purses. Ode to joy! Yes, I feel giddy when I find something I’ve lost.
However, the most glaring thing I have lost lately, the one true thing I am worried about right now is—am I losing myself these days?
For one, it’s been weeks since I’ve written. A purrty long time I have looked for my muse, summoned it to push that germ of an idea hidden somewhere in my mind, and let it out in the open. Just for something to be inscribed somewhere for me to look at, be inspired with, sink my teeth on. And I realized just now that I haven’t even thought about writing the entire time! Perhaps I am like the seasons—I have been winter the last quarter and thoughts about writing went on vacation in hibernation nation.
Oh, but that doesn’t mean that my thoughts didn’t go meandering. It had! I’ve thought about Tori’s lyrics and cow patterns and clouds heading out on a picnic and about ear piercing and financial booboos and that unchecked half of my 2009 wish list. Yup, I have thought about a lot. Perhaps a bit too much I’ve wandered too far that now I feel I am, well, lost.
Truth be told, I am not sure if I’m afloat, or if I have lost my map. I can definitely see skies above me but your guess is as good as mine. I am unsure what the situation is really, so I cannot tell you where I am for you to be able to send some help. Well, I’m not really sure if I need to be sending SOS just yet.
Because isn’t it just a beautiful coincidence that the new year sort of gives me the perfect clearing to begin my search for…me? A search for a leaner me, a healthier me, a saner me, the me that I’ve so long wished for. I am positive that me’s just way yonder past that brush. There’s no use for big searchlights or dog trackers, because if these were the things that I’ve lost, then I betcha the only person who can help me here is me.
Isn’t that the beauty of losing oneself? Only I can retrace my steps, pick up the pieces, and go on from here. I will find myself soon enough, unsalted, but sincere. Cranky, but wide-eyed. Out of tune, but hopeful.
Yes, this year, I resolve to go on searching for the truth about myself. And I will be giddy with delight in discovering that, well, it may be a fatter me, a sicker in the head me, but if that’s how the 2010 me will be, then I can’t ask for anything more.
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Pictured: Mural at Fully Booked, BGC
Finally Dee 